Burning life's instruction book

Monday, April 29, 2002

Okay, which motherf**ker was it that came up with html?
I would really f**king like to know which sad old bastard one day sat in his poxy office or bedroom and came up with html.

"Oh its easy, oh its easy!"

F**k off, I hate people that say its easy, I've been trying to learn this shit for the past five years and I still havent got a clue, I dont know my "bbgcolorwhatethefuckeritis" from my "holycrapimadeitorange"'s.
I try, god dammit I try but its all just dutch to me and so f**King pointless. Why cant we just go "I want that picture there and this here and fuck it its done."
Oooooh no, every single little tiny weeny detail has to be written out.
Explain this.....
I want the color Blue for my background.
So instead of writing "Blue background" I have to write...

"html""body bgcolors= #CCFFCC""/htmlorsomethingidontunderstand""


Explain this to me someone, explain it to me now. I want BLUE not CCFFCC, I want colors not letters and stupid hash strokes and f**king equals signs oh i'm really f**king happy now, thankyou. Thankyou for making this all so god damned easy!!
Bunch of tosspieces.

I mean really, what was he/she thinking? I don't get it. You know, I just don't get it. I missed the f**king point some place. The boat left and I wasn't on the boat. Explain it to me.
I know computers need to talk in computer language but which was the asshole that made computer language different from our own?

Bill Gates.
Theres an asshole, we can kill him for f**king openers I dont know if he is responsible for this monster pig f**k that is html but by Christ the man needs a kicking.
You know what I would like to do?
I'd like to shove Bill's head through a monitor displaying his windows-exploder-whatever-the-fuck-latest-program and then just sit back and laugh.

I'm going to hell for wanting that, but I think he deserves it. And i'm going to take everyone with me.
And you know what hell is. It's Yoko Ono, singing for eons and eons. And you have to wear orange flares and sit next to the Beach Boys.

Yes sir, I can boogie

Sunday, April 28, 2002

Denis Leary's definitive Rant on people that moan....namely...me

"I'm just not happy. I'm just not happy. I'm just not happy because my life didn't turn out the way I thought it would."
Hey! Join the fucking club, ok!?
I thought I was going to be the starting center fielder for the Boston Red Socks. Life sucks, get a fucking helmet, allright?!
"I'm not happy. I'm not happy."
Nobody's happy, okay!? Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette, or a chocolate cookie, or a five second orgasm. That's it, okay! You cum, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep, you get up in the morning and go to fucking work, ok!? That is it! End of fucking list!
"I'm just not happy."
Shut the fuck up.
That's the name of my new book, "Shut the Fuck Up, by Doctor Denis Leary. A revolutionary new form of therapy."
I'm gonna have my patients come in.
"Doctor, I.."
"Shut the fuck up, next!"
"I don't feel so.."
"Shut the fuck up, next!"
"He made me feel so much better about myself, you know? He just told me to shut the fuck up and nobody had ever told me that before. I feel so much better now."

Whining fucking maggots.
Well bend me sideways, slap me silly and send me to Alaska. I havent updated this in forever.
Damn me to hell.
Just life being a total pissant and preventing me from having any kind of fun whatsoever. What is it with life doing that? Excuse me? did I miss the memo?

Dear Human,

You thought life was for the living?! HAHA YOU FOOL, you must spend forever in perpetual misery while others around you suffer even more just to make you feel even worse about your bitching and moaning. Youw ill slave your ass off, spend forever with blisters on your fingers and the skin torn off of the bottoms of your feet from the f**king uncomfortable shoes we will make you go to work in and it will rain all the time but the one time it doesnt rain the sun will scorch your hair off and leave you walking about like a penguin as you try to stop your baked skin from splitting and when you get into the bath to hopefully relieve the tension the bathwater WILL be ice cold because you forgot to turn the water heater on and you will leap out of your bath screaming and slip on the mat and knock yourself cold on the floor and die.


Either that or something really bad could happen. Either way, this is goign to suck.

Whomever would be in charge of writing this memo.

So you see, i'm not exactly totally in love with life as it is right now and i'm working hard to try and better it but holy crap, are the odds against you?
For a start there are other people..........that is all........just other people.

EVERYONE!! OFF OF MY PLANET!! NOW!!! except Denis Leary, he can stay. I so want to have a beer with that guy. If I drank.....


I hate everything, I think I should just go down and play in traffic cause getting hit by a truck would be so much more fun that my life.

And I can whinge for England...yes indeedy

Saturday, April 20, 2002

*laughs* I have an obsessive fan! How cool is that?!
I was just checking the site stats for like, the first time ever. And a single ISP visited this Journal no less than 50 times in one day, and over 300 within that week.

Whoever you are....you must really love reading crap. Kudos :D

They love me, the really love me.....or they want to murder me...eeeeeeek!

Thats about it for now, further news later.

Short and sweet....shuh

Friday, April 19, 2002

Fleas, the cat has fleas


I'm leaving until theyre gone....

Irrational fear...run away, RUN AWAY!!
Theres a woman I know that doesnt get half of what she really deserves out of life.
I hate that.
This woman, my friend, I dont think she has the first idea how truly inspiring she is, or how strong she is, or how she puts up with so much that I in my pathetic, tiny, half assed excuse for an emotion that is my patience, would never be able to put up with for love nor money.
I dont know how she does half the things she does. I know I couldnt. Maybe i'm just not cut out for the kind of life she leads which by anyones standards would probably be concieved as normal, but in my opinion....the toughest challenge ever.
How we are friends bewilders me from time to time. For openers we have an age gap thats almost the same number as I am in years. I'm a tattooist from the mean streets of the ickier side of London, and she lives in sunny suburbia in a place called the New Forrest which I visited once and was nearly struck down by its tranquility and beauty.
She's happily married with two kids and I'm not even in a stable relationship. hell i'm not even in a relationship, I think i'm impossible to be in a relationship with.
She has the wisdom and experience of a long hard life thats kicked her in the shins many times as it does with all of us. I have the bitterness of the first twenty years of my life being a f**king nightmare, and so on.

We have all this difference and yet, somewhere along the lines the two of us meet in the middle and the friendship is strong.
It gets tested. Damn does it get tested. I dont think theres any avoiding it really, what with out different backgrounds. Our different experiences.

But tonight, we had a fight and it disturbed me. One of those fights thats like the fight is having you and it didnt start off as being about either of you but somehow it became so. And suddenly everything is bad.
I didnt want to be where we were and neither did she but pulling out of it was so tough.
We got out of it eventually, or at least I hope we did. See now i'm sitting here worried things will never quite be the same again. Not sleeping, as per usual, just waiting for the time when I can actually speak to her again.
I've lit a candle. I hope we're okay.

Its her anniversary today, 22 years with her husband.
I didnt give her much of a gift did I.

But at any rate, I raise a glass of pepsi in a champagne glass to you K, my dear friend, my confidant and my rock of strength.
Have a fantastic day. I'll see you on the other side.

I send this smile over to you....

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

I love these creatures and I've always had them around me, but only ever one at any time because any more than one is just furball suicide. Unless you enjoy matted hair and blood all over your carpet each time one of the little blighters gets his grump on toward the other.
There are many fun parts to being the owner of one of these wretched creatures. Sure theyre self sufficient. You open can of cat food. It looks at cat food. It f**ks off and eats the neighbours cat food because its more expensive and the bowl is in classier surroundings. Who blames them, they have good taste.
You spend a while cooking some tuna for it and you place the tuna in the bowl and the cat just stares at you for a while with this expression that says; "Well, it was a good idea mortal. But then you ruined everything by putting it into a bowl and now I just cannot be seen to be eating from the floor, will you never learn?!"
The answer to that is no, us humans never learn.

Cat snobbery goes way back to the dark ages when Cats were Gods and humans wore stupid clothes. Its nothing new, we know our roles.
So what really galls me about cats, the one thing I really dont get, is that with all of their snobbery and all of their class (we all know that look, the look that happens just after your cat falls off of something, or slips when he jumps....the look that says; "It wasnt me, you just imagined it, it was another cat, it could never be me for I am perfect and you are lowly scum! STOP LOOKING AT ME!")
All this cat snobbery and class....
But youre laying down on the couch watching your favorite show and suddenly, as if from nowhere...cats arse.
One second youre staring at Buffy kicking bottom, the next, an eyefull of anus.
Why is that?
Cats have all this furry cuteness they can seduce us into stroking them with and yet their weapon of choice?
Its too foul to contemplate.

Our cat is a bastard. He's learnt a really foul trick.
When he doesnt want to be picked up or held or stroked he has learnt to, on demand. Fart.

HOLY MARY MOTHER OF CHRIST ON A BIKE!!! Is there anything worse than cat fart?!

And I swear he winks at you once you put him down in disgust. Smug little git.

Aside from this there is a very interesting game you can play with cats. Just go out driving and pick up any cat you may see, put it in the back seat of your car and keep going. Repeat this every time you see a cat. After you have 5, things should start to get interesting!

(I'm kidding, dont do that, its evil)

On your knee's lowly maggot, how dare thee mocketh me?! ~ My cat, earlier.

Sunday, April 14, 2002

In other news....

Today I found out sweetcorn is in fact spawn of the devil and should never be trusted.
And Shakira's hair is plotting to take over the world.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

This entry was brought to you by the word ACK and the letter A
I love this journal and all i can say is, I quite whole heartedly agree with the girl.
People are far too sensitive. If you dont like what youre reading, go away. Its that simple.

Oooooh, that was humourless

Saturday, April 13, 2002


I've forgotten how to swallow. This is very disturbing as I need pizza. Immediatley, at 1.45am.
I just swigged some orange juice however and I had to spit the damned stuff out. I couldnt swallow.

Yet another example of my body working against me. Its a f**king conspiracy but no one believes me.

In other news; I finally saw "Saving Private Ryan" today (for a movie buff I can sometimes be extraordinarily slow) and my review?

There was nothing there that hasnt already been done by "Platoon" and "Full Metal Jacket"...In my opinion the definitive war movies. "Saving Private Ryan" was cheesy shite, and it was annoying. I wanted to kick Ryan in the nuts, stupid bastard.
These other guys have come miles and miles and half of them are dead and others have had limbs taken off and half their blood sucked out by bugs and none of them have eaten in forever and theyre all tired and thirsty. All to bring this guy home.
They find him and what does he do?
He whinges.
"But I dont wanna go home, waaaah."

At that point I would have taken my rifle and I would have jammed it up his ass closely followed by blowing his nuts off. Ungrateful little twerp.

Anyway....I must go re-learn how to swallow.

The rage, THE RAGE!!!

Friday, April 12, 2002

Oh hey I finally got around to setting the time right on this stupid thing, took me bloody long enough.
I'm so completely computer illiterate its just staggering. That anyone could be as utterly useless as I am when it comes to these machines....well its mind boggling.
Sure throw me on the internet and i'm a goddess. But when it actually comes to working a computer. You know, all the programs and inner workings and so on. I'm about as clueless as a brain dead clueless thing.
Im the girl that, if it were possible, could break the internet.

Dont press that button!!
Which Button?
That Button!
This button?

I tried to learn. I tried to be interested in the inner workings of these machines, I really really wanted to be able to sit down at my computer and just have my fingers fly over the buttons in a stunning display of technical gymnastics. But it was never to be. Instead I just sat there and went; "Uh?"
True enough I can touch type and get out f**k knows how many words a minute (Loads)....but i'm totally technically challenged.
However this does not mean im a techno-phobe.
Far from it, I have techno Joy. I plugged the thing in and then plugged the printer in with a wire that looked like it might fit. Then again it could easily have been the kettle...who knows.
I plugged it all in and i started it all up and immediatley got ERROR 4995.
To which immediatley, and professionally I scream; "Well whats that one then? And what happened to the 4994 I missed to get to that one?!"
I unplugged more stuff and bent some wires and plugged more stuff in and wahey! I was away!
I tried to print something but it told me I couldnt acces printer. Which was just silly. I could access printer. It was right in front of me. I yelled at the machine that I could access it, then I was told by my thirteen year old brother to plug it in.

And thats me and computer technology.
Internet wise I know my way around. But ask me to do something to a hard drive or a floppy disk, i'll probably just slap you for being a pervert.

Oddly however, i'm miss tech girl in all other respects. Hell people bring their VCR's to me for me to fix, and I always do.

Its like that confounding show, "Tales of the unexpected"

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

Ahhhh, another day another f**king pain in my ass.
Yes, i'm annoyed.
I'm annoyed by internet advertising to be exact. I'm sick to f**king death of having to wade through pages and pages and pages of bullshit advertising popup windows, telling me theres an "Important message" about needing pink sawdust for my brand new hamster that doesnt just soak up the pee it makes it pretty colours and scents it with orange. I dont give two bollocks if a camera the size of a frikin peanut is going to remarkably transform my mundane and boring life. I dont want to spend only £99.99 special bargain price, to have all the hair removed from my body (eyebrows included at no extra cost), Theres nothing urgent about a message concearning a news article on 'iwishicouldgetashag.com' about the importance of thimbles being worn during sewing (and paying £99.99 bargain price for the privilage of becoming a member to access said webpage) and I especially couldnt give a crap about an online casino run by a group of cretins.

So I log on and I want to find the lyrics to "Bodies" by Drowning pool, a simple task you would think. I search engine it, I find a site. I proceed to spend the better part of my day caught in a god damned loop of popups, popunders, popsidewayses, free software installation windows, plugin requests, would you like fries with that? FUCK OFF!!!!!

After wading through all of this shit, closing windows only to have that one spawn seven more, then accidentally closing the window i want because the popup I was aiming for suddenly dropped behind the main window and now i've lost my lyrics and i'm left reading a very interesting message about lint......
I'm near breaking my keyboard just thinking about it.
I'm surprised anyone ever gets to see any webpages anymore, its like tipping blood into shark infested waters. You log in...and the advertisers just swarm around you.


I fear one day the internet will just become the 'advertnet' and it will be all advertising. Each advert sponsored by another advert which will lead to more pops and popunders and if you close them those ones have been sponsored by someone else too and will lead to more popups and popunders and it'll just go on forever.
We'll have to plan days off of work if we ever want to just go online to find a webpage on something useful or amusing. People will be stockpiling supplies for said days and when whoever is going online finally ventures there....they may never return.

Okay so i'm exaggerating, but it could happen. It already takes half an hour to find lyrics to a song.

Sod food for thought, I want poison for advertisers

Tuesday, April 09, 2002

The search is on. As per my family tradition the quest has begun to find every family member the single most useless possible piece of junk in the entire world, to give as a christmas present.
Yes I know we are months and months and months away, but this is a tradition that I find absolutley hilarious, and my entire family spends the better portion of the year hunting for the perfect 'bad gift'

It all began a few years ago (yeah okay so its not the oldest tradition in the world) when our Aunt and Uncle finally lost their minds and sent the family the weirdest gifts you could imagine.
These were not the gifts of sane people.
No offence, we love our Aunt and Uncle but they have lost it. For instance, they sent bone china teacups through the post wrapped only in thin brown paper.
You can imagine.
I also recieved a box of used scented draw liners. My brother got a doorstop. My sister a used bottle of bubble bath....and empty used bottle of bubblebath.
So on and so forth. They are the textbook crazy rich people. Sitting in their fancy house going "UH?"

So anyway we were so amused (I'm talking breathless, on the floor laughing here) we decided...my mother, brother and I, that from there on every single year we would each buy each member of the family one totally 'out there' god awful christmas present....along with decent ones of course.

And there you have it, and today the search began as I hit the thrift stores looking at peoples old junk. I have to say I have found an early contender. For some reason there was a small statue in marble of a mexican just sitting. In fact he looked as though he had been shot, this unusual expression on his face that was definitley pained.
It really begged the question, "WHY?!" and whats more, WHO origionally purchased this piece of tat?
See thats what I find amusing about these stores, so much utter crap that you take one look at and just laugh long and loud, wondering who created such an awful schmutter.
But I remind myself that someone actually one purchased that bit of shite at full price from somewhere......who are these people?
They must be stopped.

I fear for humanity I really do.

It takes all kinds, I just wish it didnt have to be those kinds....eeeep

Saturday, April 06, 2002

Dear Journal,

Sorry I havent updated you in so long. Between my life being unutterably shite and Blogger behaving like a f**kwit, I just havent been able to.
My life just seems to be making me want to stand in the middle of somewhere...a field or a city center...and just scream WHAT THE HELL?!!! at the top of my lungs. Of course I blame the universe for my tiredness and headaches right now. After all its the way life goes to make you work your ass off, never have any fun, and suffer killer back pain and endless headaches purely to make enough money that will go to the government to help not pay for my back treatment when I need it because the NHS are a bunch of no hopers.
England sucks. It doesnt just suck it blows too. Goats mainly. A few cows. Maybe some chickens.
Oh and spring has sprung, the grass is ris, the birds have all f**ked off cause its still too cold here and my hayfevers started.
Does it get better than this I ask you?

I hate everything.
In a good way.

Piss, bollocks, buggar, bum. These are a few of my favorite expletives...

Tuesday, April 02, 2002

There are people that make me just want to grab their heads and push my thumbs into their eyes until something messy happens.
In fact theres quite a few of those people. I kinda zone out into this blissfull state of imagining me with my fingers stuck up their noses and the like. Its quite nice.
These people we call Trolls in net land.
For f**ks sakes. What is the f**king point. Get a damned life you strange, sad, offputting, boring, moronic, void of life wankers. You come onto peoples websites (more specifically today, a friend of mines website) and you behave like jerkoffs because you think its clever.
Not clever, just incredibly tedious. You people define the term 'waste of space' to its most literal sense.
Youre wasting server space you pissants.
Still not even that creates a problem because all your inane dribblings are easily deleted anyway. In fact the only reason anyone would ever keep the verbal wank of a troll on their site, is so we can laugh at it and comment on it and put you jizz stains down.
This is why i came here tonight. Because you people bore me. You dont impress anyone, you dont scare anyway. You just have the website owners and readers alike laughing at you in all your no lifed, geeky desperate-for-a-shagedness....actually what am I saying?

Keep trolling, grease stains, we need something to laugh at, theres precious little in this world.

Oh and lastly, tim dannenhoffer (all lower case for maximum disrespect) ...I dont use this word often, but tim, youre a cunt.

Hugs and kisses,

Why be normal when you can be a fuckwit?